Letter: What Is A Stepparent?

Got this letter recently:

My husband fathered a child in his teens with a woman he was not married to. The teen mother never involved him in the raising of the child. The child never lived with the father. The father never contributed to the welfare of the child.

When the child was a teenager she contacted him and they met. At that time I was married to him. The child labeled me her step-mother. I do not feel as if I’m her step-mother for two reasons. First, her mother and father were never legally married. Second, the child never lived with her father.

My question is what legally makes a person a step-parent?

-------------
My answer to her was:

While there are no legal statutes that cover all states, most specify that if you are married to the biological parent of a child, you are the stepparent of that child. Taking responsibility or not does not affect biological connection. Many times I did not feel like I was anything at all to my often-awful stepdaughter, but the fact that I was married to her mother made me an influence in her life.

I chose to take advantage of that connection to demonstrate to a young person how generous and loving someone can be regardless of whether of not that child deserves anything. It has affected her life positively in many ways, she tells me now that she is grown. It cost me nothing except a few moments of forgiveness and kindness, but it has paid off many, many times over as she became more part of my life later on and I now have a wonderful (step)grandson who thinks I'm the bees' knees!

It's your choice entirely, to either resist and push away and become bitter and cold, or to accept and embrace and grow in grace. You will influence your stepdaughter, one way or the other. Period. It's your choice. And your opportunity.

So, what is a stepparent?

A stepparent is a person who is not related and legally not obligated to do anything at all for another person's child; yet, simply out of love for that other person (and sometimes for the child) a stepparent turns their whole world upside down for that child. They give money, time, effort, ideas, fears, worries, and most of all caring for a child who may never acknowledge the gift.

Some people think a stepparent is chief among fools for allowing herself to become emotionally invested in a child who resents your very presence in her life. Some people (mostly stepchildren) think of a stepparent as interfering and demanding and "wicked." And, honestly, some are!

Most stepmoms and stepdads, though, are doing their best to walk a fine line between interfering in their spouse's childraising, and being too distant from their stepkids. Most stepparents make the mistake of giving advice that is unasked-for and upsetting their spouse and their stepkids. So, they get offended or more cautious and pull back too much so everyone thinks they don't care enough.

And then there's the stepparent's other family - her ex-husband who's either jealous of the new guy's place with his kids or just unsure where he stands (or both!), and her children from her previous marriage who are, also, jealous of the new kids and new spouse, and who feel somehow left behind by Mom's new life. And THEN there are all the grandparents! Her own parents, the ex-spouse's parents, the new spouse's parents, maybe even his ex-wife's parents all want to know how the new person will care for their grandkids!

So, a stepparent has a lot of pressure to be absolutely perfect all the time, right from the beginning of the marriage. It's a wonder the divorce rate is only 66% for second marriages! The majority of couples just can't cake all the challenges and stress on a new relationship. (the divorce rate for third marriages is even higher - around 85%).

That's why I constantly urge couples about to marry into a stepfamily situation and couples already in a stepfamily to get help. They can't predict all the issues that will come up, even if they've been in a previous stepfamily relationship.
When I help couples prepare for or repair their stepfamily, I first investigate all the family connections and how they are affecting the mixture, then look at the immediate issues. Before I can help a couple build a success plan to strengthen their family, we have to know what kind of a foundation we're building on.

Stepparenting is the toughest job you'll ever take on, but despite the scary statistics and divorce rates, it is not impossible. You can survive and succeed at building love and peace in a happy home - with the right help. Don't give up, get busy! Call or email me and we'll talk about how I can help your family succeed.

STEPcoach, Bob Collins

Self-Image Guidance

Interesting blog article by Intimacy 4 Us. I found it (of course, on Twitter) just today and read some wonderful advice. MY advice is to go there (link is below) and read their advice.

Some of the things they talk about are Breast Anxieties, Hairy Situations, Excessive Sweating, Should I Nip and Tuck? Some are very personal - but those are the ones so many people need some guidance in.

YOU are the most important person in your family. You owe it to THEM to take care of YOU. So go visit http://www.intimacy4us.com/bandaids-selfimage/ and get you some you time!

Looking out for YOU,
STEPcoach Bob Collins
Twitter: STEPcoach

Just Found: New Resource

I am really beginning to love Twitter! I know, I know - some folk think of Twitter as a way for kids or celebrities with too much time on their hands to tell WAY too much about themselves.
And it is that.

But it's also a super way to connect with like-minded businesses, individuals, and support organizations. That is where I've really come to appreciate this social network. And I just found another great resource for you (y'all) (youse guys):

WeParent is a neat web site with tons of useful information for divorced parents who are working together to raise their children right. As their "about" statement says:

We’re on a mission to support and facilitate a co-parenting “revolution” among African-American parents! We want to be support central for parents willing to face the challenges of co-parenting in order to enjoy the fulfillment of raising healthy, whole children.

I strongly encourage all my friends who are in divided families (and most of us are!) to check out the good folks at WeParent!

Have a super Summer!

STEPcoach Bob Collins
follow me on Twitter as
http://twitter.com/STEPcoach

Make a Messenger Bag Out of Trash Bags!

Great summer / rainy weekend project for your (step)kids to keep them busy, learn creativity, and recycle those nasty plastic bags.

Watch the video.
Do the projects.
Write us and tell what you made so we can share with other families!

STEPcoach

Counseling Ladies Safely

How to privately, confidentially meet with an emotionally fragile wife without compromising her safety and my reputation is a tough issue that I, like all male ministers, counselors, and mediators must face. Recently, I read a good article on this topic by motivational (and funny) speaker, Mark Gungor on his blog. Among the comments, was this from a lady reader:

From a woman's perspective and my own personal experience it is my opinion that women go to men instead of women because men have the ability to re-frame a woman's problem in boxes and take the emotion of the problem. If a woman is having emotional problems she does not want to go to an emotional being to fix the problem. The times that I used to go to men for situations I was struggling with, the guy would be able to articulate my problem without the emotion of it and put it in his boxes which helped me to see it differently and take care of it. Sometimes going to women just added to the emotion in the my head. HOWEVER, this does not give women an excuse to put men in a situation where they are tempted. I think what I have experienced is that once a man sorts your problem and put it in boxes the women wants him to do it again and again. I agree highly that women should mentor other women and getting a mans opinion occasionally is fine.

Ladies am I right????

I was impressed by her insight that sometimes women want to know how men view their problems. I replied:

I think you’re right that women appreciate having a man compartmentalize their emotional dilemmas for them. As a Christian family mediator, I am often approached by wives or ex-wives wanting me to help them get a message across to their mate or ex so they can begin solving the problems. I rarely meet with these women without their spouse or ex (that’s the whole purpose of mediation, to get THEM communicating), but in initial sessions we do sometimes meet alone.

On those occasions I always alert two of the secretaries at the church to help me by “patrolling” past the half-window door to my meeting room several times where the client can see them. This gives me two safeties: the secretaries can bear witness that nothing untoward happened; and the client feels safer knowing other women are nearby.

It’s a dangerous (and litigious) world out there, so we have to be careful to protect ourselves and our reputations - but we also have a responsibility to serve hurting families. Balance and being “wise as a serpent but harmless as doves” are key to doing it right.
STEPcoach.com

If you've thought about seeking professional advice, guidance, or mediation, let me make two suggestions: first, make sure you know who you're talking to. Just picking a name out of a phone book or a web listing can be dangerous. It's a jungle out there, know whose advice you're getting. Ask a friend or pastor, research the person, go to someone you know.

Most all of my clients come from readers of my blog, articles, newsletter, or web site. They know a lot about me before they ever contact me.

Second, insist on a preliminary meeting to feel each other out. Any reputable coach or counselor should be willing to talk to you before setting a contract.

I always meet with potential clients to see if we "fit." Sometimes my mediation or coaching services aren't what they need. If not, I'll suggest someone else. Sometimes we just don't click - whether because of their personalities or because of other conflicts. Find out first.

For your own safety, and for mine, it is important to ... well, to "step carefully" when you seek out help in something as vital and personal as your own or your family's relationships. Investigate and be safe!

STEPcoach Bob Collins

P.S. if you're interested in relationship help from me - either formal mediation, or personal guidance coaching - contact me directly and we'll proceed s l o w l y to figure out exactly what you need to get your life happy again.

Kids Need Security

Every child needs to have a sense of security in order to have a healthy concept of the world. But children of divorce need that security even more than kids whose world is still together. Children whose parents have broken their home have a special need to know their lives are safe and their future is at least somewhat secure.

Security does not come from four walls or from three meals or from trust funds or bank accounts. Security does not come from a particular number of toys or gadgets, or the type car they are taken to school in, or from their parents' job titles. Security is not a function of money or things, of standing or dignity.

To a child whose parents have divorced, security is a safe family mold into which that child can settle. It is peace and quiet instead of fights and shouting. It is safe hugs instead of seclusion in their room, away from the chaos. Security comes from knowing their adults are sane, not obsessed or driven by hatred or revenge.

A child whose family has been torn apart needs to be able to see, hear, feel, and sense that order has been restored. Little nerves are easily shattered by loss, but not so easily repaired afterward. They need to see parents speaking to each other with calm demeanors. They need to hear their adults speaking to each other with some semblance of cooperation, if not respect. And they need to sense that the storms are finally breaking up; that there is a possibility for normalcy again.

Their hopes for the future depend on Mom and Dad demonstrating that they will make the effort to move past the past difficulties and disagreements. Maybe not to reconciliation (although every child with divorced parents prays and dreams they will reconcile someday), but at least past the anger to a willingness to work together for that child's needs, daily, weekly, and lifelong.

The child whose world has been shattered by angry adults needs those same adults to teach the child that peace is the next step. The child is waiting, almost with held breath, for Mom and Dad to say something decent, or, maybe, something kind, about the other parent. When that happens, the child feels a huge fear relent. He can begin to hope for some sort of a real life again. She can finally stop fearing another devastating explosion that tears at her heart as the two people most important to her hurt each other, and her.

Yes, that first civil word releases irrational hope for rebuilding. Of course, the child immediately begins hoping the insanity has ended and he can wake up from it like a horrible nightmare. And she will be disappointed when she realizes that Mom and Dad actually are going to stay apart, despite her dearest wishes and needs. But the disappointment is measured against her just-passed torture of their open hostility toward each other, so it is a bit more bearable. Though it still makes him sick in the pit of his stomach to know his family will never be right again.

Children of divorce need security. Only their blood parents can give it. Their parents took away their security and hope and peace. So you owe it to your child or children to bury your selfish anger and give them the blessings of peace.

Love, Joy, & ... Peace,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Super Stepfamily Reports & Ebooks Available

Please hurry over HERE to pick up our exclusive series of guides for stepfamilies before they go up in price next week. Our price increase isn't going to be too harsh, but why not get these super helpers at their lower price now!

Reports include:
* 12 Steps to Improving Your Stepfamily's Communication - our groundbreaking basic guidelines for all stepfamilies to prevent conflicts and promote peace
* The Rule Book - a great, easy to use workbook to help you plan your family's success
* You're Not My Dad! - to help stepdads understand raising another man's kids
* You're Not My Mom! - written with the help of several stepmoms to love the hard-to-love
* Responsibility of A Lifetime - understanding what you need to give your new family
* Beat the Holiday Blues - plans and preparation for the holidays, when stepfamily challenges abound!

You can wait if you want, but eventually you'll need the information in these reports. They're still bargain priced so you can get one of each. The ebook format makes quick delivery possible and they're readable on your computer or your electronic book reader or PDF.

Whether you're a stepmom, a stepdad, married to one, or a stepgrandparent, you'll find great guidelines in these terrific resources. Go HERE to order your stepfamily success guides today at curent low prices.

Love, Joy, & Peace
STEPcoach Bob Collins

I'm in the Sun Sentinal! Cool!

Florida Sun Sentinal newspaper columnist, Rafael Olmeda, is a friend of mine from Twitter. Rafael writes a neat column about family and parenting here. He allowed me to brag about my wonderful stepfamily in his column this Memorial Day.

Read his column with my thoughts by following this link: http://blogs.trb.com/features/family/parenting/blog/2009/05/last_week_i_asked_a.html

I hope you can think of even more reasons to be thankful for your own stepfamily. If not, well, you might as well fake it as to complain! If you need help thinking of positive aspects of being in a blending family, let me know and I'll help you find reason to rejoice!

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Stepparenting Made Easy - in 3 Simple Steps

I've been teaching my stepfamily clients for over a decade now that, "stepparenting isn't nearly as hard as most steppers make it!" What I mean is, all you have to do to be a successful stepparent is to love your spouse and their kids unconditionally, consistently, and more than yourself. That's our simple marching orders from out Leader: "love your 'neighbor' as yourself," love never fails, and "consider others more important than yourself." (Those are in the Bible: Matthew 22:39, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, and Philippians 2:3-8)

Now what does that mean in a real life, stepfamily, situation? We (remember, I'm a stepparent, too) are to completely open our hearts to this new family, "warts and all." And we are to place their needs before our own. BUT we are not to take over and try to re-create them in our own idea of a perfect family. If your new husband had no legs when you married him, you made a contract to love him as he is. You don't begin insisting he walk! And if he's a (particular sort) of father to his kids, you might lovingly make helpful suggestions once or twice (any more than that is nagging!), but how he raises his kids is his business.

You and I signed on as a spouse, not as a co-parent. God in His infinite and sometimes-really-hard-to-understand wisdom chose the biological parents of your stepkids. We may never know why in this life but He selected the ones He felt were right for the job. ... and it was NOT you or me. We get the *privilege* of being a blessing to them, but we ain't their mama or daddy! We are allowed to contribute input and assistance from time to time when the bio-parent requests it, but only then.

NOTES:
1) your stepkids have bio-parents (BPs) already
2) we are not them
3) but we can be invited to help by BPs

This is how our job becomes much, much (much) easier than most of us make it. We are not responsible for how these children turn out. …
We are not responsible for how these children turn out.
(say it with me ...)
We are not responsible for how these children turn out.
We are not responsible for how these children turn out.
That job has already been Assigned to others.

Our job is to love our spouse and their children no matter what they say, or do, or vomit out of their precious little mouths at us. Love them. Period.

"Think of them more highly than ourselves" means, don't despair of their abilities to raise their own children. For some reason they were Picked to raise these kids. We are the special dessert they get just for choosing us! We are not the main dish in the meal. If you see your spouse doing something stupid in raising their child, gently, respectfully suggest another way to them. If they take your advice, you have bragging rights forever (no, not really, be humble!); if they ignore you, it's their right. Just like it's your right to ignore outsiders who tell you how to raise your kids.

"Outsiders!!!" Yes, we're outsiders to this family. We have been invited in by one part of the family (spouse) and are a part of him/her, but we DID NOT marry the whole family. They have already established their habits, their quirks, and their oddities long before we came along. It is high minded and rude of us to assume that we need to change them, no matter how "wrong" their ways look to us (the invited outsiders).

THEREFORE...

Life as a stepparent can be so very much easier to bear if we will keep in mind that our job is just to love them no matter what. Our job is NOT to fix them or change them or re-create them.

Step back. Sit down. Take a deeeeep breath. Let it out. Take another deeeep breath. Let it out. Relax into just loving them. If they act like a zoo full of monkeys, well, then get a bag of popcorn and enjoy your front row seat! Sometimes monkeys is monkeys. You can put hats on them and teach them to play the banjo, but they still are just cute, lovable, fun-to-be-around monkeys.

You'll give yourself a sprain if you keep trying to make them conform to your ideas of what they should be like.

Stepparenting is really quite easy, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT.

Love, joy, and peace
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Planning to Succeed in Your New Family

A few years ago I created a new marriage preparation program. Not that there weren't plenty of good programs already. It was just that none of those met the needs of my clients. You see, all those clients were getting married for the second or third (or even fourth!) times. They already knew the basics about setting up a home with someone - checking accounts, personal space, moving away from Mom, all that sort of thing. What they needed was something different.

They needed a program to prepare them for the surprising and sometimes harsh realities of life in a stepfamily. I've worked with stepfamilies since 1996 and I've been in a stepfamily since 1994, so I know the special challenges involved in this exciting form of family. "We" have adventures first marriages never dream of. I called the new program STEPprep.

Basic marriage preparation programs, even the really good ones, don't take into account such matters as how you'll discipline each others' kids, how you'll deal with stepbrothers' and stepsisters' feelings of rivalry or jealousy or betrayal; or how you'd like your new husband to deal with your previous husband (if at all); or how much involvement you want your new wife to have with the folks who were best friends with you and your previous wife; or what you plan to do with your ex-in-laws when they begin giving input on your new spouse's method of raising their grandchildren. (!!)

These questions - among many others - are just the sort of things that can derail a second marriage before it gets well established. In my experience, it's not just the challenge, but the unexpected shock of those challenges that rocks most stepcouples relationships. By addressing all the possible and probable surprises in STEPprep, we can develop specific plans to deal with them before they come up. That means you will be prepared to prevent the kind of shocks that can pull you apart.

Another difference in my STEPprep course, from a standard marriage prep program, is the individualized design of each couple's program. While I deal with a set group of topics in STEPprep, most of the program is designed based on the couple's make up. For example, a couple consisting of:
* a twice-divorced mother of three teenagers, all of whom live with her full time, and a never-married man with no children,
will have vastly different needs and concerns from:
* a once-divorced man with two young daughters who visit him on weekends, and a once-divorced woman with a full-time son (and a very involved ex-husband).

As I've worked with stepfamilies across the US and around the world over the last dozen years, I have seen that there are almost an infinite number of couple combinations possible. Yet almost all stepfamilies also seem to experience some similar challenges. The best solution is to teach about the commonalities while also addressing the individual issues. Which is virtually impossible in a class setting, so I meet with each couple privately.

Before I begin working with an engaged couple, they must complete a data profile from which I design their program. The answers they provide tell me where their needs lie and what will most likely be their greatest challenges in their new marriage. Some couples need a great deal of preparation for dealing with their new stepchildren (and their own biological children's reactions to the marriage), others need more help with ex-spouses, while others need more direction about blending two different backgrounds. And all usually need at least a little coaching with these and other stepfamily issues.

I have heard back from some couples who have completed the STEPprep program and gone on to get married. They have all said that the lessons, scenarios, and practice discussions have actually come up in real life. Many have said that they used exact wording we practiced when they dealt with challenges from their children, their ex-es, and well meaning members of their extended family who had offered "help." I am gratified to hear that the program works, but happier to know these couples have a much better chance of a happy future together.

If you'd like information about the STEPprep program for yourself or someone you know, please call me directly at 479-522-7490, email me at coach@stepcoach.com, or visit the website at STEPcoach.com

Bob Collins, STEPcoach