Twas the month before Christmas

Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
 Not a Christian was praying
 Nor taking a stand.
 See the PC Police had taken away,
 The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
 The children were told by their schools not to sing,
 About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
 It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
  December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.
 Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
 Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
 CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
 Something was changing, something quite odd!
 Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
 In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
 As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
  At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
 At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
 You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
 Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
 Are words that were used to intimidate me.
 Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
 On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !
 At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
 To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
 And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
  Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
 The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
 The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
 So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'
 Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
 Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
 Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,
not Happy Holiday !
Please, all Christians join together and
wish everyone you meet during the
holidays a
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Christ is The Reason for the Christ-mas Season!

Are You Like Your Parents Were?

I heard it again this last week:
"I'm turning into my mother, the way I'm acting with my kids!"

And, as I usually do, I asked, "Is that good or bad?"

And I got the typical answer: "I don't know. Some ways good, but others bad."

We are so often so tied up in worrying that we'll harm our children and stepchildren that anything seems dangerous. If we punish too severely, we're afraid we'll warp them; if we're too lenient, we're afraid we'll spoil them. Then there's the fear of the horrible DHS knocking at the door to confuse everything!

With all these concerns about how we raise our kids, the most personally upsetting is the fear that we'll turn into your own parents. Why is this so dreadful? Maybe it's because we'll feel like liars or imbeciles if we go back on that vow we made at age 16 that "I'll never be like you!" Or maybe it's because we're secretly afraid our kids will turn out to be just like us with their kids!

Back then, they were the enemies, or at least the watcher to be outwitted and out done! But the situation is very different now that we are the parents - the jailers, the spoilers of fun. And the question has to be asked:

Were we wrong 'way back then? Were our parents actually right in all their rules and regulations that cramped our style? Were we as dimwitted as our kids seem to be sometimes? We sure felt smart at 16, didn't we?

So here's the question for you:
Are you becoming like your parents? and 
Is that good or bad?

Let's brainstorm a bit. Click on the "comments" link below this post and tell us if you've followed your parents' lead or if you've gone another direction. Then tell us a little of why you've done which ever.

I'll give you a week to enter your thoughts, then we'll digest them and see what they all mean.

See you in a week,
STEPcoach

Fathers

Got a letter recently asking me what I thought the writer (a dad) should focus on leaving his son. He was wondering if the focus should be things, memories, or what. I contacted the guy and we talked about what kind of a dad he wanted to be remembered as - a provider, an inspirer, or a shadow who worked a lot.

It's an important thing for a man to consider - the legacy he will leave behind.

My own father died in '06, a week after his 90th birthday. He was in great shape up until he broke his arm in a silly accident nine months before that, then he just went downhill at a steady pace.

My reaction has been sort of roller coaster-ish. Dad and I had a horrible start. He was a drunk who fought with my tea-totaling mom often - every time he'd come home schnockered he'd light into her ... and her mother ... and her sisters ... and every other woman he could think of. I spent a great deal of my youth crying for them to stop.

Many years later, and especially after my mother died in '00, Dad and I got closer. I learned that he was a funny guy who liked to laugh and have fun. We actually became friends the last few years of his life. My wife tells me that I have a lot of my dad in me - the funny, outgoing, never-met-a-strange-waitress bits, not the drunk bully bits.

It's really very complicated for a man looking back at the man who begat him. I find that the longer he's gone, the more I remember good things I'd forgotten about my youth. I remember weekend drives into the mountains when the three of us would walk around lakes only Dad seemed to know about. I've learned that he didn't really want another kid - my sister was 15 years older than I was. He was ready to retire when I accidentally came along. I guess he didn't handle the surprise and additional burden of me well. At least not until I was grown and on my own, out of his sphere of responsibility.

Good guy/bad guy. Dad was like most of us, a little of both. And I, I'm learning, am a lot like him.

Don't let your death be the first time your kids stop to really consider what kind of parent you have been. Think about what you want them to remember, but also welcome the opportunities to talk to them about yourself and your relationship to them now, while you can. Too late comes too soon.

Happy trails,
STEPcoach

Are You Up to the Challenge?

Your kids and stepkids are challenging you! And you'd better be up for that challenge if you know what's good for you. Fail at this and you'll be fighting to regain ground the rest of your life.

"You are NOT my mom! You can't tell me what to do! And I don't have to listen to you!"

This is simply your loving stepchild's way of saying, "Excuse me please, could you kindly straighten out for me the question of authority and respect in this new family situation? Thank you very much." (Yes, it really does mean that!)

When they give you The Look, or refuse to acknowledge you, or talk down to you, they are tossing out a challenge and a question that says, "Just exactly where do you and I stand in this new household?" And your first answer will stand for a long time.

If you fail to answer correctly, you'll have more than double the work to re-inform them.

What is the right answer? Well, it's a careful balance of love, respect for them, and an insistence for respect from them. If you answer too softly ("Oh, OK, sorry to have upset you, dear.") you'll be telling them that you are fair game for all sorts of attacks.

Yet if you go too far the other way ("Hey kid! You better watch your mouth! I'm ...") then you'll tell them you're so intimidated by them you have to attack to defend yourself.

The best way to answer is somewhere in between. It depends on the age of the child, what else they've been through before you, your spouse's position on supporting you, and your own self-confidence. A good answer may be, "I know I'm not your mother, and I don't intend to try to be. But because your dad has invited me into your family, I do deserve respect, at least for his sake."

The first encounters are not set in granite. You can improve your position with your stepkids. But it takes some special approaches involving their biological parent, you, and teamwork for the whole family.

If you're already dealing with the results of a mis-handled first challenge, I can help you rebuild and establish a firmer footing with your new family. But the longer you wait, the harder it is to correct. Get help soon!

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Things I've Never Heard ...

I've never - in 14 years of working with stepfamilies - heard anyone say:
"I wish we'd gotten married quicker!"
... but I've heard over a hundred times:
"I wish we'd waited a little longer!"
Rushing into a second or third marriage (or a first one for that matter) is not a good idea. What's the hurry? If your sweety is right, they'll wait and it'll be better - if they're not the right one, better to find out before the wedding!

I've never heard anyone say:
"I'm sorry I stuck with my stepkids."
... but I've heard many say:
"I'm sorry I gave up on them."
Giving up on the stepkids, no matter how mean they are, is almost as hard on you as it is on them. Their tests are to see if you are tough enough and sincere enough for them to trust you. If you quit, you fail.

I've never heard anyone say:
"I'm glad I ran out on my marriage."
... but I've heard many say:
"I'm so glad we stuck together through the tough times."
You and everyone who knows you will remember your failure if you surrender. You will either come out of this as a hero or a zero.

Granted, if you are the victim of someone else's weakness, you are not to be blamed. Especially if you fought for your marriage and your family, you can hold your head up. But if you just throw in the towel because "they're mean to me!" then you are ... well, did you solemnly vow to remain faithful and true to your mate at the wedding? If you did promise and you're walking out on your promise ... what do they call people who do that?
I forget.

Stick with it! Your family is counting on you. You are counting on you. When you are 75, sitting in a rocking chair, you'll wish you had stuck with it! Do it!

STEPcoach, Bob Collins

Be Careful With Your Facebook Account

A family law firm in Texas has posted an interesting article on their blog, with information you may need someday if you are ever facing custody challenges. Entitled, "BEWARE: Social Networking Sites and the Law," the article warns that more and more attorneys are searching social networking web sites for incriminating information or suggestions when building a case against someone.

What this means for you is that the casual comments, joking or bragging claims, or funny-at-the-time photos you post for your intimate friends to read may come back to bite you if you are in court. The article gives some examples of cases where you might be fighting for custody of your children and find yourself having to explain the post about your wild party at the lake last Summer.

Laws are still pretty vague about what constitutes "private" information if it was posted on-line. So the bottom line is, don't say anything on-line, even if it's supposedly restricted to private, close friends, that you wouldn't mind hearing about in court!

The full article is at http://www.nacollawfirmblog.com/?p=148

Remember, step ... carefully!

Stepcoach Bob

Don't RETARD Your Children!

Talking to a frazzled, harried mom recently, she was complaining about how her 19 year old daughter was wearing her down. The daughter is unmarried, still lives at home, and is pretty much forcing Mom and stepdad to help her raise her own baby.

Mom said, "She's just after me all the time. I don't have time to work, to study, get my knitting done. She needs money for diapers; she needs me to go with her to help take care of the baby while she does anything."

And it's affecting Mom's and stepdad's relationship, too, of course! Mom recalls, "Last night I was so upset at her nagging about the sick baby that I snapped at my husband several times."

"Why didn't you snap at her instead of him'" I asked.

"I don't know! I was just so upset. I needed to study, I needed to do laundry, I needed some peace and quiet, but she just kept coming into my room asking for this, or needing something else. He asked me something and I just exploded!"

This dear, well-meaning lady is raising a retarded child. No, her daughter has no mental deficiency, she is not "challenged" in any standard sense of the word. But she is severely retarded all the same. Her mother has retarded her.

If you are still carrying your grown child, you are retarding their growth. If your teenager is still unable to make basic decisions for himself such as how to pay for extras or whether to study for a test in stead of failing it, then you are retarding your child!

Our jobs are to prepare these biological blobs to become functioning adults who are capable of dealing with challenges and questions in the big ol' world. If we don't do that; if we answer all their questions for them; if we carry all their loads for them, they will not develop the necessary skills and confidence to handle life. We are retarding their growth.

I'm not suggesting that you throw them defenseless to the wolves (i.e. refuse to provide their basic needs or offer wise guidance), just that you help them become able to fight the wolves themselves. Yes, it's a fine line between too much privilege and the right amount of encouragement.

But that's what prayer, Bible study, parenting books, support groups, and coaches are all for. Find a good, successful parent and ask them for advice.

For suggestions about how to get them to the point of living on their own, my special report, "12 Steps to Improving Your Stepfamily's Communication," covers the basics. Lay a good foundation while they're young and they'll be more competent to take over later.

Don't give up. But don't give in, either. Stand strong. If you need help, I'll help you. But keep your goal in mind: raise them to be ready to leave.

Ephesians 6:4 teaches us: "Parents, don't make your children bitter about life. Instead, bring them up in Christian discipline and instruction." Lead, guide, prepare, release.

STEPcoach Bob

Morning Rescue!

Admit it: getting your kids up and out the door to school each morning is even harder than getting them to bed at night, isn't it? And, if you'd be completely honest, you'd consider just letting them rot in their bed some days rather than face the prospect of the war that usually occurs.

But, there are ways and means to get them critters movin' without water hoses (spraying with, not beating with!) or major deconstruction of the bedroom furniture. Here are seven tips to help you ease your way into the day and help your kids move a little quicker.

1. Begin early: if your kids are still very young (preschool or kindergarten) NOW is the time to begin a morning routine (see below) to integrate the idea of getting up and at'em before they begin their school daze; if they're already into the hustle, then ...
2. No thought required: the first order of business is to get rid of as much thinking as possible. Most kids are pretty slow to wake up to full consciousness, so remove the necessity for decisions as much as you can. The key word is ROUTINE! Do the same thing, the same way every day to help them get automated and into a familiar system.
3. Let there be light! studies agree that we are creatures of light, and light affects us positively. Give your kids a boost by getting lots of light into their room right away. Don't let them wake in a dim room. If the sun's up (it works better than indoor lights), open the shades and let it in! If they're rising in the dark, turn on all their lights. You can get a lot of bright out of some of the newer fluorescent "energy efficient" light bulbs. Use em!
4. Pre-Package their clothes outfits: Let them help choose their clothes, but do it the night before - or the weekend before! Have each child lay out (with your help) a full outfit for each day: underwear, socks, shirt, pants or skirt, belt, ribbons, etc. Then place each outfit together in a bag. Label the bags with the day's and child's name. They can just grab a bag each morning.
   
5. Fast food to go: If you're not using breakfast as a daily family meal, then consider fast food to go. You can pre-make their favorite breakfast sandwich and let them eat it either at the table or in the car on the way. Peanut butter and bananas really is a fairly good breakfast to get a child revved up for first class. Avoid meats and dairy which will tend to slow them down, though.
   
6. To reward or not to reward: Some children respond well to rewards, some don't. If yours do, keep a chart of morning successes in the kitchen or other public area and track their weekend rewards.
   
7. Last resort: you've heard about it, but do you have the guts to do it? Nothing is more motivational to a child than fear. Just one trip to school in their pajamas is usually enough to get them moving the next mornings. WARNING: don't threaten this if you don't intend to follow through! Also, notify your child's teacher of your possible action so they can assist, not derail your plan.
   

Of course, no list like this can be fully complete. You may have something that works even better, or you may think of a situation or child type who needs a different type of approach. If so, PLEASE SHARE in the comments. One of the main things to remember in parenting is that we can all work together to make the load lighter!

Happy mornings!

STEPcoach Bob

Letter: What Is A Stepparent?

Got this letter recently:

My husband fathered a child in his teens with a woman he was not married to. The teen mother never involved him in the raising of the child. The child never lived with the father. The father never contributed to the welfare of the child.

When the child was a teenager she contacted him and they met. At that time I was married to him. The child labeled me her step-mother. I do not feel as if I’m her step-mother for two reasons. First, her mother and father were never legally married. Second, the child never lived with her father.

My question is what legally makes a person a step-parent?

-------------
My answer to her was:

While there are no legal statutes that cover all states, most specify that if you are married to the biological parent of a child, you are the stepparent of that child. Taking responsibility or not does not affect biological connection. Many times I did not feel like I was anything at all to my often-awful stepdaughter, but the fact that I was married to her mother made me an influence in her life.

I chose to take advantage of that connection to demonstrate to a young person how generous and loving someone can be regardless of whether of not that child deserves anything. It has affected her life positively in many ways, she tells me now that she is grown. It cost me nothing except a few moments of forgiveness and kindness, but it has paid off many, many times over as she became more part of my life later on and I now have a wonderful (step)grandson who thinks I'm the bees' knees!

It's your choice entirely, to either resist and push away and become bitter and cold, or to accept and embrace and grow in grace. You will influence your stepdaughter, one way or the other. Period. It's your choice. And your opportunity.

So, what is a stepparent?

A stepparent is a person who is not related and legally not obligated to do anything at all for another person's child; yet, simply out of love for that other person (and sometimes for the child) a stepparent turns their whole world upside down for that child. They give money, time, effort, ideas, fears, worries, and most of all caring for a child who may never acknowledge the gift.

Some people think a stepparent is chief among fools for allowing herself to become emotionally invested in a child who resents your very presence in her life. Some people (mostly stepchildren) think of a stepparent as interfering and demanding and "wicked." And, honestly, some are!

Most stepmoms and stepdads, though, are doing their best to walk a fine line between interfering in their spouse's childraising, and being too distant from their stepkids. Most stepparents make the mistake of giving advice that is unasked-for and upsetting their spouse and their stepkids. So, they get offended or more cautious and pull back too much so everyone thinks they don't care enough.

And then there's the stepparent's other family - her ex-husband who's either jealous of the new guy's place with his kids or just unsure where he stands (or both!), and her children from her previous marriage who are, also, jealous of the new kids and new spouse, and who feel somehow left behind by Mom's new life. And THEN there are all the grandparents! Her own parents, the ex-spouse's parents, the new spouse's parents, maybe even his ex-wife's parents all want to know how the new person will care for their grandkids!

So, a stepparent has a lot of pressure to be absolutely perfect all the time, right from the beginning of the marriage. It's a wonder the divorce rate is only 66% for second marriages! The majority of couples just can't cake all the challenges and stress on a new relationship. (the divorce rate for third marriages is even higher - around 85%).

That's why I constantly urge couples about to marry into a stepfamily situation and couples already in a stepfamily to get help. They can't predict all the issues that will come up, even if they've been in a previous stepfamily relationship.
When I help couples prepare for or repair their stepfamily, I first investigate all the family connections and how they are affecting the mixture, then look at the immediate issues. Before I can help a couple build a success plan to strengthen their family, we have to know what kind of a foundation we're building on.

Stepparenting is the toughest job you'll ever take on, but despite the scary statistics and divorce rates, it is not impossible. You can survive and succeed at building love and peace in a happy home - with the right help. Don't give up, get busy! Call or email me and we'll talk about how I can help your family succeed.

STEPcoach, Bob Collins

Self-Image Guidance

Interesting blog article by Intimacy 4 Us. I found it (of course, on Twitter) just today and read some wonderful advice. MY advice is to go there (link is below) and read their advice.

Some of the things they talk about are Breast Anxieties, Hairy Situations, Excessive Sweating, Should I Nip and Tuck? Some are very personal - but those are the ones so many people need some guidance in.

YOU are the most important person in your family. You owe it to THEM to take care of YOU. So go visit http://www.intimacy4us.com/bandaids-selfimage/ and get you some you time!

Looking out for YOU,
STEPcoach Bob Collins
Twitter: STEPcoach