Holiday Tips - #5

 Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #5:

Begin new traditions just for your new family. 

Every family, every clan, every culture has its own special traditions for holiday celebrations. You developed deeply rooted patterns in your former household, and so did your spouse’s family. Many stepfamily conflicts involve couples trying to continue to do things the same way they always did them. This is a recipe for trouble!

Some stepfamilies have been successful at this by keeping some elements from each side’s traditions and blending them into a new pattern. But the selection of what to keep and what to toss out can lead to feelings of “What I want is not important to you!”

Far better, many believe, is to scrap all the old ways and find new traditions.

Begin by letting everyone have a say about what they would like to do. But it is important that everyone is part of the process. Keep a positive attitude about the process.

Ask other families what they do. If you are members of a stepfamily support group (and you should be!), you may find suggestions there. Look for unique activities. There are more ways to celebrate than eating contests followed by TV football marathons.

Here are a couple of examples from post support groups:
Have a cookout. If you live somewhere warm, that’s OK, but this activity will be more of an adventure if there is snow involved! Roast hot dogs and marshmallows. Look at the stars in the crisp, cold sky. Tell funny ghost stories. Carols are optional.

Make a time capsule. Place photos, notes, letters, items with special significance in the capsule, make sure it is water tight (use super glue or caulking), and hold a ceremony as you bury it.

The point is to look for new activities you can repeat year after year to develop a kinship between the new family members.

Changes don't have to be bad. Keep a positive mental attitude and lead your new family into a new future together!
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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

Watch for more guidelines between now and Christmas to help you survive and enjoy holidays with your family!

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Holiday Tips - #4

 Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #4:

Concentrate on making these Holy Days instead of holidays.

The holidays we celebrate today all began as religious observations. In fact, we get out word “holiday” from the original term, “holy day,” which in earlier times was the term for a period of religious celebration, reflection, or remembrance. Through the years, however, commercialism and frantic expectations, and a general turning away from things spiritual, have distracted us from the true reason we celebrate our most cherished family traditions of Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year, and Easter.

Some families, rather than fall prey to the commercial influences of a retail Christmas season, even go so far as to hold a birthday party for Jesus for their children! Rather than give all the gifts to each other, the best gifts go to homeless, poor, or sick families nearby. By leading their families in this charitable activity, they both help the children to learn to care for others, and the expand the holiday experience beyond their own immediate homes.

Whether you are a Christian, or you practice another faith, or none at all, this practice of giving to others less fortunate than yourselves can move your holiday mindset from competition and frustration to reflection and patience. And it can help both bio- and stepchildren to look past their own feelings. If you can help stepchildren focus on something besides their own challenges of remembering past family celebrations and home exchanges, you can bring perspective to their own situation.

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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

Watch for more guidelines between now and Christmas to help you survive and enjoy holidays with your family!

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Holiday Tips - #3

Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #3: 

Keep a holiday journal of this, and every coming, holiday gathering. This suggestion comes from a support member who said she has holiday journals that go back to her first season with her stepkids. She says that the older journals — the worst ones where everyone was either insolent or sulking — are the most valuable to her. They show how much her new family has progressed over the years.

Without some perspective, you will likely feel that you are making no progress. But you will make progress. Most every stepfamily moves through six stages of development, as described fully in our workbook, “Stepfamilies: Basic Training for Couples.”

The Dream Stage — is that magical time before you marry, when everything is perfect. {Your betrothed is, or you are, the white knight on the white stallion, coming to save the day.}

The Discovery Stage — comes just after the wedding when problems start to arise. {You realize you’re going to have to clean up after the knight (and his stallion!)}

The Decision Stage — {NOTE: this is when the stallion dies and starts to stink!} This is the point where you decide whether to stay and fight or wimp out, and run out on your promises to this family.

The Determination Stage — not for the failures, but for those tough enough to stick it out — when you first say, “We might make it.” This stage may begin as early as the third to fifth year.

The Development Stage — is reached when you begin to have more good days than bad ones. Some families reach this stage earlier, but most hit it in the fourth to sixth year. Someone says “I love you.” or “Thank you for staying.” This is not the end of all your growing pains, but you’ll know when this stage comes, and you’ll realize it was all worth while.

So, keep a journal. Record in it gifts given by and to whom, where you went, and some of the more notable things said and done. These days are valuable, don’t lose them.

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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

Watch for more guidelines between now and Christmas to help you survive and enjoy holidays with your family!

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Different Take on the "Christmas" Battles

Letter from Jesus about Christmas --

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up... It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

6.. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian.. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember :

I LOVE YOU,

JESUS

Holiday Tips - #2

Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #2:

Develop flexibility in your holiday plans.
Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. Again, realize that this is only one celebration out of many others to come over the years. Next year, everyone will be a little more familiar with each other, and hopefully they’ll also be a little more accepting.

This is just one small step in the blending process, not the whole thing.

If Cousin Dave or Aunt Bertha just has to make a comment on the fact that, unlike last year, there is only one kind of pie for dessert, or that it looks odd that all your presents are wrapped in the same color paper, or asks where some particular decoration is that just didn’t have room with all the others, just let it roll off. Smile and comment on how much you like their home made fruitcake, and then tell them some little positive story to brag about your stepkids.

Being in a stepfamily means dealing with multiple family plans. Your ex — or your spouse’s ex — will most likely have family celebration plans of their own, involving your kids. Naturally, it will be easier if you can work together in cooperation to coordinate both sets of parents’ programs. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen very often. If your spouse’s plans conflict with yours, you will have to find a way to compromise.

(More on scheduling later.)

Remember that the purpose of family holidays is supposed to be for loved ones to gather and — well, love each other. If your family gets snippy about the seating arrangements around the dinner table, love them anyway. If they can’t seem to get over the changes, remind them how lucky you all are to have new family members with you. Don’t get sidetracked. Your goal is to have a relatively positive experience to help unite the whole family.

You are building a new family, with new traditions. Maybe one of those new traditions can be that little things don’t matter so much. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to look back on a season of no big fights? Aim for that - no big problems. Little ones come with the territory.

Besides, if you get every little thing perfect this year, what will you have to do next year to improve on it?!

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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

Watch for more guidelines between now and Christmas to help you survive and enjoy holidays with your family!

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Love, Peace, & Joy for You!

I was asked again, just yesterday, "Now what exactly is it you do with families?" So I thought I'd just publish the short answer for those of you who have been wondering.

What do I really do?
I teach couples - not-yet married, married, or divorced parents - to understand, embrace, and effectively use …
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-Control
in their marriage relationships, their parenting, their post-marriage parenting relationships, and in their lives in general.

What are these characteristics?
These are the Fruits of the Holy Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22
These are the natural character of God's Spirit which is living in each person who has accepted and confessed Christ as Lord of his or her life. The Bible tells us that if you have accepted Christ as your Lord, then you do have His Holy Spirit living in you. And, if you have His Spirit living in you (in your heart, mind, soul), then you already have these qualities in you. The word picture is that of planting, say, an apple tree in your yard and it bearing apples. Plant the Spirit in your heart and He will bear those fruits.

So why do so few Christians demonstrate these beautiful fruits in the words the say, the way they act, their own character? Well, just because you've got an apple tree in your yard doesn't mean you are well fed on apples if you neglect to go to the tree and pick the fruit it grows, right? And just because you've got God's Spirit producing these sweet characteristics in your heart doesn't mean you're using them. Many Christians just let the fruit lie and rot on the ground beneath the "tree." In other words, you may have the ability to be joyful, but still choose (CHOOSE!) not to embrace and show that joyfulness.

Why? 
Why in the world would anyone choose not to be joyful if they had the opportunity? And that's the answer: "in the world." If you keep your eyes, mind, and heart focused on the upsetting events of the world, you can't focus on God's gifts right inside your heart.

Let's say your child is in a rare cuddly, lovey mood. They just want to crawl into your lap, lay their head on your shoulder, and share time with you. But, right at the same moment, your neighbors have decided to have a loud, angry fight in the street outside your window …

Your mind has a choice: focus on the love and sweetness of your child in your lap, or focus on the angry, loud mess outside your window. You know, right now, what you should do, but in the moment you'll probably either push your child away to see what's happening, or at least give that child less than the attention he or she deserves …

You make choices like that many times every day. And all too often you are subconsciously choosing to ignore the Fruits of God's Spirit inside your heart, mind, and soul in favor of upsetting situations around you, in your family, at your job, or just distractions in your mind. Free Will can be both a blessing and a curse so often, can't it?

So, how do I help couples learn to tap into those precious Fruits so they can have happier relationships and lives within their families?
By reminding them regularly that the option to be joyful is available, guiding them to find the Fruit inside themselves, and developing practices that will strengthen their ability to live more in the Fruits than in the distraction. Now, these practices vary depending on the couple and their particular issues. For some, they may involve creating solid household Rules that will help them work more successfully together; for others, we may find better ways of communicating with each other; and for others, gentle confrontation of upsetting issues may be necessary in order to get those issues resolved.
 
And it works.
It works beautifully. I've done it many times for many married couples, parents, and divorced parenting families.

So, if you're not enjoying your family as much as you wish you could be; if you're not living the Love-Joy-Peace-filled lives you long for; if you find yourself more often pulled down that lifted up,
let me help you find that joy. You, your children, and your marriage will be much better off for it.


All you have to do to get started on better family relationships is to contact me by email or by phone (479-522-7490) and start asking questions. I'll be happy to answer anything you're not sure about. Then we can set a time to begin building your new Love, Joy, and Peace-filled family.

I'll be waiting for your email so we can get started. God bless your whole family!

Holiday Tips - #1

Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #1:

Begin your holiday survival plan by acknowledging to yourself, and for every member of your new family, that it’s OK to feel sad during “happy holidays” (despite what Uncle Sol used to tell you — “This is no time for a gloomy Gus!”). Allow for some down time, but don’t stay there. These feelings that we’ve discussed and which you are starting to feel are natural. They are shared by nearly every stepfamily around the world — over 20 million in America alone!

Realize where you are in your life. This is a starting point to a whole future. Statistics show over and over that it takes an average of four to seven years for families to blend. This means that you will (statistically) suffer growing pains for at least a few years before you will see those dreams come true.

Too many couples enter into a stepfamily with unrealistic dreams. They expect  the kids to fall right into line, loving them like they’re the natural parent. They expect their ex-spouses to suddenly become cooperative, or just disappear. They believe that they will fall right into a happy home life in the first year — or the first months, even!

And when that doesn’t come true, too many of these stepfamilies just fall apart. Instead of accepting that hurts take time to heal, they whine or demand that their new family members "snap to" and make all happy.

If you made that mistake and you’re now panicked because of the chaos you feel around you — relax.
You are in the vast majority. As I said before, stepfamilies experience around a 75% divorce rate. That alone tells you that at least three fourths of them are having problems. What it doesn’t tell you is that most of the others have the same problems you are having, but find ways to survive them.

Accept that blending two families is tough, everyone has the same fears. Then move on.
This is just one holiday season. Get through this one with at least some good times, and the next one will be easier.

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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

Watch for more guidelines between now and Christmas to help you survive and enjoy holidays with your family!

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Thanksgiving Day Proclamation

This is the text of George Washington's
October 3, 1789 national Thanksgiving Proclamation;
as printed in The Providence Gazette and Country Journal, on October 17, 1789.

By the President of the United States of America.

A Proclamation.

Whereas it is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favor; and whereas both Houses of Congress have, by their joint committee, requested me "to recommend to the people of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer, to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness."

Now, therefore, I do recommend and assign Thursday, the 26th day of November next, to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be; that we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our sincere and humble thanks for His kind care and protection of the people of this country previous to their becoming a nation; for the signal and manifold mercies and the favorable interpositions of His providence in the course and conclusion of the late war; for the great degree of tranquility, union, and plenty which we have since enjoyed; for the peaceable and rational manner in which we have been enabled to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national one now lately instituted; for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed, and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge; and, in general, for all the great and various favors which He has been pleased to confer upon us.

And also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations, and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions; to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually; to render our National Government a blessing to all the people by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed; to protect and guide all sovereigns and nations (especially such as have shown kindness to us), and to bless them with good governments, peace, and concord; to promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among them and us; and, generally, to grant unto all mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as He alone knows to be best.

Given under my hand, at the city of New York, the third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and eighty-nine.  
G. Washington.

Borrowed this, with thanks, from http://www.wallbuilders.com/libissuesarticles.asp?id=3584 


May you and your family have a blessed, peaceful Thanksgiving.

The Ten Best Things to Say to Your Child During Homework Time

Found this today and thought they had some good ideas you might like. Enjoy! BC, Stepcoach

Homework can be a battle or a breeze. It can create conflict or cooperation. It can produce tension or focused attention. Which of these outcomes occurs in your home depends in great measure on how you talk to your children during that important time period. To help your child's homework experience be productive and stress free, consider the following ten best things to say to him or her during homework time.
1. "It's study time." Don't even mention the word "homework." Have a study time, a study table, and study materials. Study time occurs whether there is homework or not. This eliminates the common child response, "But I don't have any homework." Some parents prefer to call this time period feed the brain time. Whether you call it study time or feed the brain time, it is important to make this a family commitment. We all feed our brains during this time. If you are not willing to make this commitment as a parent to feed your own brain during this important family time, don't ask your child to.
2. "Let me know if you want my help." Refrain from giving unsolicited help. Help that is not asked for is resented and is often not even needed. Give your child the space to ask for help if he needs it. Learning to ask for help is an important skill that every child needs to learn. So is struggling on your own for a while.
3. "Act as if you know." Children will often tell you, "I don't know how to do it." Resist showing them right away. They are doing their "I can't" act. Know that it is an act. Encourage them to choose a different act by saying, "Act as if you can." Other ways to send the same message include: "Pretend like you know how." "Play like you know." "If you did know how to begin, how would you begin?" "If you did know what to write, what would you write?" Asking children to "act as if" does not mean they will do it correctly. It gets them started. It gets them doing something. You can correct incorrect doing. Not doing anything is impossible to correct.
4. "You have a lot of assignments to do here. Which two do you think are the most important?" Do not let your children study for long periods of time. Family time is MORE important than study time. When the teachers give more than is doable in the study time you have structured (90 minutes for high school, 60 minutes for middle school, 30 minutes for elementary school), call the teachers and let them know they are assigning too much material. Ask your child, "Which two of your assignments do you think are most important?" This requires her to think and to set priorities, teaching her a valuable life skill in the process.
5. "Study time is over." Pushing beyond the set study time creates diminished results. Set a limit and stick to it. Hold to the set time schedule for study time.
6. "It's time for a time out." Frustration may occur. Suggest your child take a time out if you see her becoming overstressed. Shoot some baskets, ride bikes, go for a walk. Get away from the schoolwork for a while. When she comes back to study time, she will bring a fresh mind and a fresh attitude.
7. Use descriptive praise. Refrain from making evaluative comments such as "good job" or "excellent paper." These global remarks do little to teach why the effort was good or excellent. Instead, make your praise descriptive. Simply describe. "I can read every word." "This sentence got my attention and I wanted to keep reading." "You stayed right on it and finished that section in ten minutes." These factual statements give valuable information. Descriptive praise also allows the child to make the evaluation. When he says to himself, "I did a good job," the evaluation is coming from the inside out.
8. "Do you want me to check it?" Sometimes children want your checking help. Sometimes they do not. Let them make this decision.
9. "Let me show you an example." This is teaching, not doing it for them. Show your child a sample, example, or possibility. Allow her to decide how to apply your idea. Let her do the problems she was assigned.
10."Would you be willing to put your name on it?" This statement is not used to check whether your son or daughter remembered to put their name on the paper. It is a statement about the relationship between pride and effort. "Would you be willing to put your name on it?" really means, "Are you proud enough of it to sign it?" Help your children learn to develop an internal standard of excellence so they know how this piece of work stacks up against their personal standard.
Your Parent Talk around study time and school assignments is critical. It can help or hinder, motivate or discourage, inspire or wound. Use the statements above to help you create a helpful study time for all. In fact, why not study these suggestions and put them to use during your next family feed the brain time?

Twas the month before Christmas

Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
 Not a Christian was praying
 Nor taking a stand.
 See the PC Police had taken away,
 The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
 The children were told by their schools not to sing,
 About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
 It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
  December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.
 Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
 Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
 CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
 Something was changing, something quite odd!
 Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
 In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
 As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
  At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
 At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
 You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
 Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
 Are words that were used to intimidate me.
 Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
 On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !
 At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
 To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
 And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
  Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
 The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
 The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
 So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'
 Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
 Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
 Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,
not Happy Holiday !
Please, all Christians join together and
wish everyone you meet during the
holidays a
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Christ is The Reason for the Christ-mas Season!